I was cleaning up the dinner dishes when I got a call telling me if I wanted to see my son Mark alive, I should come to the hospital immediately. The next 18 hours would not only take away my son but would take away all my trust in people, my spirit, a huge piece of my heart and cause my family to scatter across the United States...guilt, fear, anger...sent us all running away from each other.
September 18, 1997
Time stopped today in 1997. Time heals all...blah, blah, blah...It doesn't! It's a bitter pill for me to look at the sunshine and remember my son Mark who loved being out side, even in the snow. Here I am a useless, broken, painful body taking up space and he's gone when he was so full of life.
Let me tell you about time. I use to talk about Mark all the time, it gave me peace remembering his smile and laugh. It kept him here and not forgotten. But time didn't round the edges, soften the pain or allow me to forgive. Time has allowed me to see how all the folks who said they loved Mark, use him for an excuse for their failure's, fight among themselves because they didn't get stuff....it's all bad how people can act in the end.
Then there is the fellow who killed my child...the one I am suppose to forgive and know that is what God asks of me. I'm afraid God will have to do the forgiving for me. I learned a year ago that this fellow managed to get transferred to the newest medical prison in Pennsylvania where there are no cells or walls...to me this is not punishment for someone who got life without parole. I've gone to the prison websites and read families calling this prison the "hotel" of prisons. Any hope of forgiveness was wiped out at the point.
The only bright spot that came out of this hell is the organ recipients, the people Mark wanted to live if he could not. It was very hard for me to sign those papers because I was against giving away parts of my child, but that is what he wanted and the last thing I could do for him. It's the only bright light, they live on and I got to meet some of them.
Yes I am often a bitter angry person. It has nothing to do with my own body pain...no, it's the pain in my heart that is there every minute I am awake and often breaks into my sleep with the voice of my son calling for me. Today I can only offer my heartbreak.
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| You won't have to call for me much longer son, like the eagle I will also soon be free |
6 comments:
Holee,
It is no wonder you miss him so. I hope your eyes light up at the gift of life you gave to him for those years. In a way I have lost a child too but I won't explain. I am sorry there is such pain still in your heart. Ask God to put his hand on your heart and take the pain away. Your son has been in heaven. Even though you cannot be with him now you will be when God sends you heavenward. Until then...you have Dave and those like me who care about you. We would miss you so much. You are the bright spot in our days. You make others smile with the words you use in your blog. Times are only tough for now. Things will improve. Soon you'll move to a new place and make friends. I bet they will have a senior center that you can visit and learn of others lives. I'd like to see you find a more holistic type Doctor who can evaluate you and possibly help with the pain that is so severe. Keep your chin up best you can. Better days are ahead dear friend.
Anniversaries like these can be difficult. Know that many people care, Bea.
There are no words to take away the pain; if there were...I'd say them to you. Sending hugs of love from me to you...that's the best I can offer.
Kathy
I am so sorry. I know how much you miss him and grieve for him. I lost two brothers. One in 1967. He was 13. And one in 1976. He was 24. I know my mama grieved for years for her boys. She talked about them often. My mama died on September 22, 2005. We were all so saddened at her death. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that she is with her two boys now whom she had grieved for so many years. I know they were at the gates to meet her and I smile when I think of that. Also knowing that she is pain free now helps. She had cancer. I grieve with you today as I still grieve for my brothers and my mama. I pray God will comfort you.
Blessings,
Diane
Hugs.
I'm struggling with my own bitterness.
I have always felt lucky to have met you and am thinking of you.
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