I was cleaning up the dinner dishes when I got a call telling me if I wanted to see my son Mark alive, I should come to the hospital immediately. The next 18 hours would not only take away my son but would take away all my trust in people, my spirit, a huge piece of my heart and cause my family to scatter across the United States...guilt, fear, anger...sent us all running away from each other.
September 18, 1997
Time stopped today in 1997. Time heals all...blah, blah, blah...It doesn't! It's a bitter pill for me to look at the sunshine and remember my son Mark who loved being out side, even in the snow. Here I am a useless, broken, painful body taking up space and he's gone when he was so full of life.
Let me tell you about time. I use to talk about Mark all the time, it gave me peace remembering his smile and laugh. It kept him here and not forgotten. But time didn't round the edges, soften the pain or allow me to forgive. Time has allowed me to see how all the folks who said they loved Mark, use him for an excuse for their failure's, fight among themselves because they didn't get stuff....it's all bad how people can act in the end.
Then there is the fellow who killed my child...the one I am suppose to forgive and know that is what God asks of me. I'm afraid God will have to do the forgiving for me. I learned a year ago that this fellow managed to get transferred to the newest medical prison in Pennsylvania where there are no cells or walls...to me this is not punishment for someone who got life without parole. I've gone to the prison websites and read families calling this prison the "hotel" of prisons. Any hope of forgiveness was wiped out at the point.
The only bright spot that came out of this hell is the organ recipients, the people Mark wanted to live if he could not. It was very hard for me to sign those papers because I was against giving away parts of my child, but that is what he wanted and the last thing I could do for him. It's the only bright light, they live on and I got to meet some of them.
Yes I am often a bitter angry person. It has nothing to do with my own body pain...no, it's the pain in my heart that is there every minute I am awake and often breaks into my sleep with the voice of my son calling for me. Today I can only offer my heartbreak.
|You won't have to call for me much longer son, like the eagle I will also soon be free|