I've always known I was different, and not in a good way. I think it all starts with the mother. Not everyone has a mother who reads them a book, holds their hand when crossing a street, kisses them goodnight or finds anything good about them. The mind of a very young child is learning and in a case where the mother doesn't like her child it can form that child's entire life. I see now, looking back, that it left me blank.
I've looked at photo's taken and although the other kids were all smiling or laughing, I had a blank stare. Maybe that's why as I got older I didn't allow any photo's to be taken. Some where I lost my emotions. To this day I haven't cried over my son's death. The pain of it all is just too much and something I can't share.
Through the years I've usually had one friend at a time. When they got married that ended the friendship. I just couldn't figure out how I was suppose to add the husband. It was just to complicated so I backed away. Then there were those dreaded friendships that for some reason I had to end them. Those were hard. I couldn't tell myself why, I just knew it would be better to end them. Then along came the internet. So many happy people all talking to each other, laughing and sharing their life experiences.
A few years back I made a friend. We had a lot in common and for sometime we really enjoyed the friendship. Then something happened, to me, and I can't really explain what it was. I remember telling myself, "Just one more time and this is over". One more time what? I can't explain what or why, I just knew I had to end it.
Dial forward to last year when I posted that I was sick. I did so thinking Cancer was a journey that people should take a ride with because so many families are hit with it and those can be terrible emotions. I thought my journey would help someone else. I think now it was my emotions that needed a place to go.
Instead of helping someone else out, the friend I booted from my life came along and lifted me up. There really are unselfish people in the world like this. Rita is a classy lady who hung in reading my blog and not holding me to my fast exit from what was a nice friendship.
Today Rita sent me a bit of spring. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom which is pink and white. I hung the wreath on the inside of my bedroom door so I can enjoy it all the time. Thank You Rita! Thank You Lord for giving me this extra time to sort out my life and revisit the gems who I didn't appreciate. Forgive me for acting out in such a thoughtless way.